Personal growth

Mind your personality

For most of my life I have felt mildly misfitting. As if I was not truly fitting where I was, I felt I was different without knowing exactly how. Round pig in a square hole, and it took me a long time to figure out why. Only until I realized that I was a Introverted, Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and a Sensation Seeker (HSS), that things started to make sense to me.

 In most of my jobs I felt unauthentic to some extent, even in the ones I studied for, not just in the occasional in-between jobs. I felt like I needed to pretend to like it, to fake excitement in the tasks that were expected of me, and this faking actually took a lot of energy. In the beginning of my career I didn’t know any better. I just went along, faking away, thinking everyone must fake it a bit. I always felt somewhat left out when people showed a lot of excitement towards their profession, since I never could really match the enthusiasm some of my colleagues were showing. In the end, I often felt left out because of it.

What’s your personality code?

I am 37 years old, and only recently learned some vital aspects and acronyms about myself that have a big influence on everything. I always knew I was an introvert (INFJ to be exact), but since I was very good with people and especially enjoyed pleasing people, I ended up in many Customer Relations roles or Project Management positions that required someone to play the coordinator and good-cop.

Being an introvert was never an issue at work. Sure, I detested the open plan offices, but for the rest I could manage my energy without feeling disturbed by my working life. I loved being alone, sometimes over-planned my schedule and had some anxiety about that, but for the most part I did well. So I never thought I should take the introvert -issue into a special consideration when searching for jobs.

Whats HSPs all about?

During the last year I learned more about the concept of Highly Sensitive Person (HSPs) and found some puzzling aspects of myself defined. There are obviously different scales and grades of HSPs out there, and whereas I don’t consider myself to be on the highest point of the sensitivity scale, this does explain my high sensitivity to noises, smells, bright lights and in general the vibe around me. I can sense emotions, needs and general motives of people, which I suppose was one of the reasons I was such a brilliant good-cop at work and hated conflict (because of the bad vibes it caused).

Scientist Elaine Aron is considered to be the ‘founder’ of the HSP term and the research around it. Highly Sensitive People are not weepy or weak in any way, rather their nervous system is wired differently. They are more tuned into the environment, they take on more sensory information, which in turn can overwhelm an HSP easier than someone who does not have this trait.

Approximately 15-20% of the population is Highly Sensitive, which is actually quite a lot considering how we still idealize the noise, small talk and feel the need to huddle together in team work and open plan offices. Luckily the movement against this group mentality has started, since for many this is hindering creative thinking and productivity at the workplace. Although majority of HSPs tend to be Introverts, there are also extroverts who identify themselves as HSPs.

Mixing in the High Sensation Seeker

Ok, so HSPs are one thing, but to make matters more contradicting, I found that a small percentage of HSPs are also High Sensation Seekers (HSS). At first it does seem incredibly contradicting, how can one person be both HSP and a Sensation seeker? But it’s true, and I am living proof of it. This discovery made me clap my hands and do a little happy dance. Finally my odd ways were actually researched and explained! I was allowed to NOT make sense with science backing me up!

A person who is a High Sensation Seeker is not chasing extreme risks or living on the edge, rather this trait is about seeking out new experiences, new things to do, and craving excitement, novelty, and change in their lives (source). With the combination it means that your HSP side craves for quiet, pleasant environments where you are in charge and where you don’t have to interact too much with others. At the same time your Sensation seeker craves for new experiences on a regular basis. The obvious challenge this brings is that the optimum arousal level becomes very narrow – you easily feel overstimulated by the external world, but if you are not stimulated enough, boredom sets in and feels like the end of the world (to me at least).

How to the mix and match these traits?

For me this was great news! It explains my constant need for change, new experiences and adventures, while I identify myself as being highly Introverted and an HSP. How have I solved this dilemma so far? Although I haven’t been living in Finland, my home country for about 15 years, I actually don’t particularly like traveling. I  find it exhausting after a while, and I start craving for my own little corner where to retreat and be left alone. So instead I tend to live in other countries. Ten years in the Netherlands, a few back in Finland, some years in the Philippines… I have noticed a pattern of about 2-3 years, after which I need to change something – my job or the country I live to keep things fresh and interesting. But that’s OK, now I know why this is the case, and there is nothing wrong with folks like us!

But the daily struggle is there. My inner Sensation seeker is always getting me into new situations and it craves excitement, which often tends to be too much for my sensitive side. Then again, if my sensitive side would take the lead, my sensation seeker would be seriously bored, which also tends to lessen my joy in life (in fact boredom, the feeling of being limited in growth from the outside, is one of the worst feelings I know). I have to be very careful and regulate these two opposing forces in my life, and finding this balance is hard. I cannot say I have often been able to stay exactly in the middle, but instead I tend to see-saw from one side to the other occasionally hitting the sweet spot of equilibrium.

Read also: The benefits of Yin Yoga for sensitive souls

Personality and career choices

How does this all relate to our choices in finding the perfect career path? I found out that it matters a great deal actually, more than I had given it credit for. Only when I ended up with a job that was actually completely wrong for me in terms of my personality type, I started my somewhat desperate search which lead me here.

So there I was, INFJ, HSP/HSS in a job that required me to be ‘on‘ basically 24/7, hospitality management tends to do this to you. You are living for your guests, and although I love making people happy, this got to be a bit much. New people in your face continuously and an almost non-existent level of privacy. My Highly Sensitive self was going nuts to say the least. Then, to make matters worse, being on a small tropical island meant that my High Sensation Seeker was bored out of her wits after about 2 years, and I found myself in this strange circle of being over-stimulated and under-stimulated on a daily basis!

At first I thought I was losing my mind. Honestly. I told my partner I was losing it, because it felt like I was. I had no control over my emotions, and I fell into a dark hole for some months, being borderline depressive without any answers or ways to truly explain my feelings. On the bottom of my dark hole I started to research my way out of it, and luckily I did, because my current understanding of the mixture that is me will surely make me take these traits seriously when looking for the next adventures in life.

This combo of HSP/HSS makes it challenging to find the optimum career path, for sure. Whereas an HSP might crave a comfortable, familiar routine in their job, an HSS will be bored doing the same thing every day! (source: hsperson.com) I’ll tell you, the struggle is real, but fortunately there are equally many answers out there! Being aware of your pain points and things that make you tick -one way or the other- is worth taking seriously in career planning.

Since I learned these new traits about myself, I have become more aware of my wellbeing and how to protect it. I accept less and less compromises, and invite less and less B.S. into my life. I feel somehow more grounded in my search of truth and freedom.

***

Want to know if you are a Highly Sensitive Person or High Sensation Seeker? Take the test on Dr. Elaine Aron’s website and start discovering new sides of yourself!

Here is one interesting article about HSPs at work, and some helpful books (no affiliate links, just love):

Thrive! The Highly Sensitive Person and Career by Tracy M. Cooper
The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron

18 thoughts on “Mind your personality”

  1. Riana M. Rosas says:

    Hi Kaisa,
    thank you so much for writing this post. I finally have a contextualized dialogue about my experience. I am new to learning about HSP but have been told repeatedly throughout my life that I am too sensitive. My sensitivities include smell, bright lights, visuals, loud sounds, and food sensitivity. I would say I also read vibes and try to steer clear of drama as it has affected my physical well being over the past year and has harmed my emotional well being over the past several years. I tested as an INFJ for a few years before developing into an INFP and most recently a ENTP. I have had countless jobs and often find myself in positions where I am accommodating others due to my anticipation of client’s needs. For some time I am able to deal with this type of work but am also either overwhelmed by the volume of stimulations I encounter or am completely bored by the lack of them when taking on a milder job. I have often feared that I come off as fluttery since I generally jump from job to job with recuperation periods in between. Recently, a friend mentioned that I may be a multi-potential person or someone that can pursue many careers within their lifetime. This information has helped me feel much better about myself and my tendency to collect hobbies and start new projects. I am currently in the process of moving to Uppsala, Sweden to attend University to further my studies in Humanities. I will be moving from California in the U.S.A. and am excited about the prospect of moving someplace new and establishing a new routine. I am excited to learn more from your website and in turn more about myself. I would also like to ask what kind of job you have currently and how you have adjusted to it? Thank you.

    1. Regret Table of 1 says:

      You are a beautiful person. Find your own path. Humanity is an indecipherable puzzle. Don’t look back. Only look forward. Life and drama are bedmates. Live your best.

  2. Kaisa Kapanen says:

    Hi Riana,

    Thank you for your comment and sharing your thoughts on this!

    Coming from Finland, it’s exciting to hear you will be moving to Sweden soon! Very difference to California, but Uppsala has also a nice international scene, or so I am told. Plus, the nature is amazing in Scandinavia, a lot of healing forest walking available all around.

    I am so happy to find more and more connections to like-minded people, especially people who are also sensitive sensation seekers. I too consider myself as a Multipotential (please check Emily who runs the website http://puttylike.com for all of us who’d rather do 100 things than just one), which makes things interesting, but like you said, sometimes challenging.

    About work, this remains a challenge for me, but slowly I am learning more and more how I can adjust myself into different situations. For the past 3 years I have been an entrepreneur, which has been great, as it has allowed me to do EVERYTHING (knowing a little bit about every aspect of running a business) and to be flexible in the way I do my work. However, I have been mainly operational in the hospitality / tourism industry, and I have found this to be too much continuous stimulation for my sensations and introversion. So I am currently planning a change, but indeed this struggle between being overwhelmed and under-stimulated is something I face all the time.

    When I was working in an office setting, what helped me was a flexible team that allowed me to work from home every now and then. Otherwise I would use meeting rooms or other private rooms every so often to do my work and escape the open floor busyness. Also Finland has been by far the most easy country for me to work in (in an office), because everyone is more quiet per default 🙂 But in my case I believe that mostly this is a question of my internal demands as well, and adjusting to the fact that I’m different from the person I think I want to be (more social, more relaxed etc). Acceptance of me, and then protection of me is something I continuously try to develop.

    I don’t know if we ever truly ‘figure it out’, but I know for me the regular moments of introspection and vibe-reading will go along way. Like you said, leaning more and more about yourself and establishing routines that work for you. And most importantly, not underestimating the feelings we get by trying to push through them or trying to be something we’re not.

    All the best for your big international move!! I’m sure you will love it in Sweden! 🙂

    Love,
    Kaisa

  3. Nina says:

    I got rather emotional reading this. It was like you wrote it for me.

    Thank you for sharing yourself.

  4. Kaisa Kapanen says:

    Thank you for leaving a note, Nina. I’m happy to hear there are more of us out there… 🙂

  5. Mariyam Niuma says:

    I stumbled upon the HSP/HSS thing a few years ago when I was researching on why I was so sensitive to sounds, smells and bright lights. I let it go then without delving too deep into it and again recently started researching again.

    The bit about working in the hospitality/tourism industry on a tiny island is spot on for me too! I could never understand why I loved the peace and quite amd natural beauty so much but felt so bored and uninspired! It was very frustrating.

    I would love to write about this on my blog soon. Do you mind if I quote from you? Thanks so much for this post. I am at a cross roads as to where to move again

    1. Kaisa Kapanen says:

      Hi Mariyam,
      Thank you for your sweet message, it’s always good to hear others are experiencing the same duality 🙂
      And of course I don’t mind if you quite things from the post, the more we can spread the message the better.
      I checked out your blog and will read in more detail still, what an exotic landscape for me, wish to visit Maldives one day…!
      Good luck with cross roads, I hope the Universe will light your path.
      Love, Kaisa

  6. Jo says:

    Hi Kaisa,

    I cannot emphasis enough how I relate to your post. I learnt about high sensitivity a few months ago and emersed myself in reading about it, listening to podcasts, reading blogs, and Aron’s research articles. Such a breath of fresh air to discover this. Something still didn’t quite make sense to me. Why do I like to drive fast, efficiently, look for opportunities in free lanes not to drive dangerously but efficiently..? why do I always need to go to new places, why do I bore easily, why do I need caffeine to get me out of a funk? Why do I love Adrenalin sports if I’m hsp? And so much more! Your blog article was so so relatable. I had been working outdoors with a job on the beach and I got to frequently ride jet skis and socialise and laugh along with happy customers. Absorbing energy from nice customers, enjoying the picturesque setting of the beautiful waterways and being in the outdoors while jet skiing – I hadn’t realised why this had been such a good fit until I recently changed jobs and had to keep searching for answers as I why I felt I was losing it. I’m now in hospitality in a busy shopping centre. With ten hours no escape from humming of fridges, coffee machines, noises, artificial lights and everyone talking at once, the stimulation is intense and the level of exhaustion I feel when I get home is like nothing I ever experienced in my previous job. Needless to say hospitality customers and about-to-go-jet skiing customers are quite different and as an HSP, I seem to absorb the emotions of these, sadly for the worst now whereas before, it was for the better! Hospitality as an HSP I think is so bad for me, all the stimulation aside, having to juggle so many things and supervising junior staff. I think your post is just what I’ve needed to take the plunge to find something more suitable. It’s amazing what a difference a job makes to us HSPs.. and I never get my sensation seeking needs satisfied anymore. What sorts of things do you do to help satisfy these? I have travel plans coming up. Really wonderfully written post, thank you. <3

    1. Kaisa Kapanen says:

      Hi Jo,
      Oh I’m so late replying to your lovely post, I have been living under a virtual rock since my son was born early September 2018 🙂 Hope your travel plans are keeping you excited, and I hope you have found something great on the job front. I can so much relate to you when you describe the different environments and how they affect you, this can get so intense that it really makes a quality-of-life difference what you do .

      Hospitality for me was also hard, with 24/7 guest responsibility and supervising junior staff. There was down time but that felt often boring. It truly is quite a juggle to find that optimum space where both sides are satisfied.
      I used to satisfy my craving for sensations with (indeed) travel, or slightly reckless / adventurous dating life (before meeting my lovely hubby) because that would allow me to feel things deeply. I would do karate, go running and plan my life in different countries every few years. Now I’m on a daily roller coaster with my son, maternity leave is ending by March so let’s see what this life will offer me then 🙂

      Keep looking for that perfect fit!

      Love,
      Kaisa

  7. Marisol says:

    Thank you are expressing it is okay to be this way. I have always felt so lost…. I am definetly this type of person. I live in Mexico where people is obsessed with getting married and have kids from very early age.. everything is based around this, it is the goal and what should be done in life.. but I just don’t feel these.. I have tried a lot of different kind of managerial jobs to blue collar jobs (even I have a degree) but I feel totally detached, I Don’t find sense at all to make money out of pointless industries destroying the environment, or just for buying stuff for the status quo.. besides in the corporate ladder, you will always find horrible tactics to destroy the spirit of everybody.. I am smart and love analytycs but I am too sensitive for being around the bosses or co-workers who behave mean(gossip, intrigues to win) this really destroy my soul… they are destroying the integrity of everybody for nothing, for money, for status, for glamour (for empty pourposes) then I got a job to travel the world among “hippie/hipster” people in the hospitality industry from different cultures , since I am always searching and changing and longing for somenthing… (now I know is me, the power is within me, only me can fill the void) I though my thing was to search for the thrill, adventure seeking but I HATED this job… all this people is fool… they can not handle a deep conversation and mostly of them are, they all also superficial people but masked with “no we are not superficial” they all are attention seekers for yoga, who is the one who fuck the most with random people, who party the most, who drug the most, like they dont nourish the soul of anybody… the are just lazy people who want to drug all day without work.. and I felt again out of sync… lost again without finding my tribe…. I am sensitive, but like literally “new sensations” but I am also smart…. so I am a complete mess.. I also have countless business ideas and again I have just take a step back.. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO PURSUE… HELPPP………. Besides I am very lonely, I have 3 best friends who understand me a lot BUT they live far away and I found most people shallow, boring and fake… even I am trying hard to appreciate all people but they drain me.. unless they have somenthing shiny inside of them… 🙁 the struggle is real

    1. Kaisa Kapanen says:

      Hi Marisol,

      I’m just now reading your lovely post, as I’m returning to the digital world from my maternity cloud.

      OMG you have so accurately described so many of my feelings! First, I have been hanging around the corporate world for far too long now (10 years), and although I sometimes find it nice (at least it pays the bills), I always feel like an outsider in the way you describe as well. I am smart, I did my MBA and am very analytical, but I cannot work well in a competitive, shallow environment (and most corporations are just that). So I choose my corporations carefully and FEEL the boss before I start. If I sense a harsh environment, I don’t join.

      In traveling & hospitality I have encountered the same, topics are quite shallow and nobody seems to be interested to talk deeper. It’s funny how people often call me the quiet one, but that’s only in parties or when the topic is not of interest to me. Ask me about the Universe or my soul and I will talk to you for DAYS 😉

      And the many business ideas, haha, I thought I was the only one with 10 ideas in my head at any given day, unable to pick one because they are all so great, leaving me unfocused and confused.

      I don’t know what to do about these things, except to share and keep trying to figure things out. But the struggle is real, also with friendships. Same here. Same same same.

      See, we are not alone 🙂

      Love,
      Kaisa

    2. Lola says:

      Word for word this is exactly how I feel and have expressed to my significant other. Thank goodness he understands as most can’t relate as they go on day to day trying to keep up with Jones’s for the sake of superficial status.

  8. Ehsan says:

    Its glad to me that see I’m not the only one is HSS, HSP and infj.
    Thank u.

    1. Kaisa Kapanen says:

      Hi Ehsan,

      So happy you stopped by!

      Love,
      Kaisa

  9. Christine says:

    You don’t realize how much you have positively effected my life from this post. I am all of those three things (INFJ, HSP, HSS) and I’ve been trying to understand myself for years. If you don’t understand these personalities and characteristics when you have them I think it can be exhausting and dangerous to your health and mind. I am so lucky to have so much privelage in my life, and I often imagine how life would be like for me if I had grown up somewhere else, somewhere that money is a daily struggle and stressor. I honestly don’t think I would have made it this far in life. I’ve had multiple set backs of experiences and emotional issues like depression over things that aren’t that big of a deal to others, but if I wasn’t so blessed I think my life would’ve ended from me doing reckless things and being unaware and overwhelmed or suicide. Since I realized I have severe anxiety and depression, I knew that if I let it get any worse I would drown in my emotions, so I’ve started doing intense research on personality and I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one experienceing this intense strange overwhelm, yet at the same time wanting constant excitement, sensations, and wanting to live life to the fullest. Honestly a perfect day for me would be filled with adventure, physical activity, adrenaline, people I love, excitement, a rush of sensations, then going to a nice cozy house at the end of the day to shower, have a nice hot cup of tea, and a movie surrounded by love-most likely cuddling with an animal and my boyfriend. I’ve never met or heard of anyone like this before, so if we could be in touch, it would be so helpful to have a bit of guidance or know someone going through the same thing as me. I’m 18 years old and reading this has given me so much hope and love for myself. Thank you for everything-now I’m about to sip some coffee and have a nice time going through your entire blog because it is so beautiful and lovely. Xoxo endless thank yous

    1. Kaisa Kapanen says:

      Hi Christine,

      Thank you for your lovely words!

      I agree, if you have this combination of personality traits, it may feel like you are going mad. This is what got me to research about it, because I felt I was going crazy! I could not understand why I was bored and overwhelmed during the same day. And analytical as we are, what do we do? We research and seek for answers. Luckily it often pays out!

      I’m happy to hear you are feeling blessed in life and are focusing on it. It’s true that with less resources and love around (and less options for knowledge) it could turn out very differently.

      You describe a perfect day indeed! 🙂 I would join to that! Or mine would be hiking or scuba diving during the morning, great conversations with friends over lunch and then retreating to my house with -yes- animals or my immediate family (hubby and now son). Maybe a long yin yoga session in the evening without any obligation to talk to anyone afterwards, haha.

      Also, please feel blessed that you are figuring this out when only 18 years old. Took me almost 20 years longer!

      I have created a Facebook group for INFJ HSP HSS, but truth be told I haven’t done much with it. But I will! Your post (and the ones I saw here above today as well) reminded me that there IS a great community out there, and we need each other. So I hope to see you there (link to the group is in the About page)

      Love,
      Kaisa

  10. Rachel says:

    This is so crazy. I’ve known i was an infj for years and just recently figured out that im HSP but this HSS is the missing piece to the puzzle. I couldnt describe it before but reading your article made it clear. All this time i’ve been wondering how can i be overstimulated and under at thee same time. This has been like a life line for me. Thanks

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