Personal growth

Not confused, just awaiting


It seems to be confusing to people when you don’t fit into a ready-made-box. I have noticed how my very existence at the moment makes most people around me confused.

Yesterday I was walking with a few friends in the parks of Amsterdam, and while testing the local neighborhood Kombucha, I was rambling on about my current life situation.

It went something like this: No, I don’t have an apartment yet, because I don’t have a job yet. No, I don’t know what will happen to my love-life because we seem to have very different ideas about what we want to do next. No, I don’t have a career plan. No, I don’t know how things will unfold from here. No, I don’t want to go back to the island-life, because I have a distinct feeling I’m too tired for that shit.

After listening intently, my friend concluded: “So it’s all a bit confusing.”

Not confused, just waiting

That seemed like the most appropriate conclusion to my ramblings. It sure sounded like I was confused, after all, I do not know a thing about my future. But is unknowing the same as confusion? My friends comment made me sharpen inside, it made me stand up taller and raise my voice a little bit. It made me realize something about my life, something that is different to most people’s idea of living.

“No, it’s not confusing. Everything is just in a state of awaiting” I replied.

The words rang through my Friday and followed me into my Saturday.

Funny enough, although many things are up in the air, I don’t feel one bit confused. Quite the opposite, actually. I have a very clear short-term plan in my head (find a job), so the next step in my life is very concrete. But what comes after that, Universe only knows.

When everything is possible

Let’s be clear. I have just moved continents (again). I have left my island life in the Philippines, to which I dedicated 3 years of my life, and traded it for the concrete jungles of Europe. Truthfully, I feel happy and ecstatic about the possibilities and options before me, and I have nothing but sunshine in my mind for my future. But still, this transition is big (I suppose just the way I like them), and therefore it is impossible for me to know how I will feel in 1-2 months from now. Just as it is simply unimaginable for me to start predicting what I would want to do 1-2 years from now.

In fact, none of us can predict the future, yet all of us pretend that we have it all figured out. And if you don’t play the planning game, well, you must be lost and confused. Well, call me dazed and confused, but I’m happily floating in my bubble of not-knowing. After all, when nothing is sure, everything is possible.

Planning your life

During the summer I spent 5 weeks in Finland with my family, pretty much doing nothing. I visited some friends and was enjoying the leisurely time of no obligations. But where ever I went, the first questions was the same: “So what now, what are your plans?

When I feel coy, I tell my settled friends how I am currently “unemployed, homeless and without huge savings.” They gasp, roll their eyes and wonder how anyone past the age of 35 can live like this, or worse yet, be so relaxed about it! In reality I am far from desperate. I carry an endless list of possibilities and options, I am an educated citizen of two European countries, so I do know just how privileged I am. But it’s nice to shock people and rattle the cage.

I am almost 38, and during the last years I have come (once and for all) to terms with my lifestyle. Somehow I am unable to root down in one place, simply because I crave change. I tend to change my life around every few years (3 years seems to be the latest average), and I adore this about myself. At any given time I have several projects and business ideas in my head, some which are brought to life, some that I only play with on the idea level. Most of my ideas are contradicting each other, they may even demand a different continent, and I am open to them all. No matter how confusing it is to others.

Being all of the things you are

Yesterday I was doing yoga on a tropical island for a living, tomorrow I will be in my high heals among the business district of Amsterdam. Who says I cannot be all of the things I am? That I have to pick one lane and stick to it? Who says there is anything wrong with me, just because I do not conform to the way most people tend to be living their lives in our current society? There are enough people who can root down, settle and raise a family. For me this is not the route to happiness, for me this is not the answer. Finally I know this very important truth: there is simply not a damn thing wrong with that! And I am in no obligation to make sense to anyone.

So here I am.

Content with the fact that my life will never make sense to most people around me. Happy with the fact that I am still living my dream, a dream of freedom and lightness of choice. Blissfully awaiting for the next chapter to reveal itself, one page at a time.

4 thoughts on “Not confused, just awaiting”

  1. Jessica Desai says:

    I love that you said you “adore” your desire to move every 3 years. What a gentle and loving way to put it. I think the tendency is to shame yourself for being different, at least it is for me. I too have had to come to accept that the corporate world just wasn’t for me. It just wouldn’t fit, no matter how hard I tried! I applaud your firm grasp on WHO YOU ARE!

  2. Kaisa Kapanen says:

    Thank you Jessica for your comment. Yes, sometimes it can take a long time before we realize that a place / situation is not really the best to be in… Or like in my case, not the best for that moment but seemingly suitable again in few years time… Love your website BTW, what a lovely concept! I just signed up for the newsletter, the topic is not (anymore) particularly close to me but close enough to remember the pain at a time when I wanted things to be different. Bless you.

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